Is · Life · Under · the · Sun~Just · Another · Dream?

oh my life so sucks right now~

starting tomorrow 2 days of fucking court hell and my man is not cooperating in the way he should be to me!

I don't know if it's my anxiety and crankiness that has fueled this OR we really are from different worlds.

all I know is that I want to ignore all this and SLEEP

i wish it rained all the time...............

Recent words of wisdom via Rob Brezney's 'Free Will Astrology'

Maybe you shouldn't mend your supposedly "evil" ways if your "evil" ways are about to mutate into a fascinating new approach to goodness. Maybe the very quality that has threatened to cause your downfall has now become the key to your upgrade. And maybe the thing that has made you most nervous about yourself will soon start ripening into a beautiful asset that will activate reserves of life energy you didn't know you could have at your disposal.

And Scorpio Horoscope for week of March 12, 2009...just in time for the show!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
"Here's what I'm looking for," said a personal classified I read online. "Someone who can tear me away from living inside my head . . . who sees things in me that I don't see myself." That's exactly what I want for you right now, Scorpio. Whether this someone shows up in the form of an ally or enemy or beloved animal or invisible friend, I don't care. The important thing is that he or she awakens you to certain mysteries about you that you've been blind to, and helps free you from the unconscious delusion that all of reality is contained inside the boundaries of your skull.

Q:WHAT AM I DOING WITH THIS LIL'WAYNE, TI LOVIN WHITE BOI HORRORCORE RAPPER!!!???

A: HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE

( Read more )

I find it ironic that while I am HAPPY here living my life and contently not involved in a relationship with anyone that both my bigtime ex's are blissfully invovled & feel it's their duty to 'inform' me of such couplings.

Now I don't mind that John, Sev's dad & my ex-husband, has told me of his upcoming January nuptuals in Jamaica. Infact, I adore his bride-to-be ~Heather~ and would probably be friends with her outside of each of us being connected to him. It's just that he isn't/wasn't brave enough to tell my daughter these facts and she learned of their engagement on myspace of all places! I just wish he wasn't such a "father of conveinience" and~ well~stronger in character!

On to the "other" one... DanielXavier's 'dad' (and I do use this term loosely!)~Danny Jo.

ACCK! If I could only time travel~I would go back to August 17, 1979 and break up with his spineless ass and relive my whole life! *Sigh* just the possibility of it makes me giddy! Aside from "sperm donation"~this human being's contribution to the world is worthless. He was a poor little rich kid who I tried to show the world to but he was content in remaining stagnent and acquiring a taste for drug addiction which nearly killed me in the process. Thank the Universe that I was strong enough to pull me and my son outta that mess. Unfortunately, later in life it was he who turned my son onto hard drugs at age 14 or 15. Long story short~this fuck was NEVER formally charged or punished because of his fat daddy's money and we suffered financially because he ALWAYS had an excuse not to pay child support or more importantly~be a stand up dad.

Today this 'old man' (hehe sweet revenge of time! this old drug addict looks older than he should!) still hits the pipe, has no real job other than riding on his family's back, no car and lives in a little shack in shanty town that his dad pays for! Now he's *FOUND* his highschool girlfriend and "it's true love just like when they were 14 and 15"! I couldn't stop laughing when this asshat called me up to gush all of this at me! He actually had the audacity to tell me that he always loved her but wanted me to know that he loved me when I had the baby!!!!! JESUS CHRIST WITH A BLOODY RUBBER CRUTCH!!!! He was talking to me like there was something still going on between us and just recently had this baby~well the "baby" in question is 27 and I dated other people & married someone else waaaay after I left his ass in the cold when I was 21 !!!!! When I FINALLY could control my laughter outburst~I told him not to worry! He was suffering from a MIDLIFE CRISIS!!!! Too bad his chick is too stupid with HER midlife delusions to realize she is about to make a BAD mistake. She's about to let him move into HER St. Louis home with HER 3 kids. I guess you should be careful what you wish for because it's about to come true! I bid you Welcome to the world of a loser crack addict, Honey. Enjoy your ride! I just pray your children come out of this ok~unlike my son's adolescent experience.

So this leaves me with 2 for 2 against me on the weak-willed-man-close-to-my-age front. No wonder I choose to walk alone or date younger straight edge men!!! Vegan or vegetarian preferred~and THAT in itself isn't too shabby ;p

Is how I feel EVERYTIME I spend ANY amount of time with the thing I got stuck with for an adoptive "mother".

I HATE when someone comments "oh-whatta-nice-little-old-lady-she-is". My return comment of late is "wow. she's got YOU snowed."

She is NOT nice she is evil incarnate. She is the reason I spent my early 20's coked up like a South American dictator! Everything was fine, fine fine when I was on the cocaine train. I wish my brain could retain the REALLY,EVERY THING IS GONNA BE OK mantra/reality without the abuse cuz I'd be there.

I invited her over for some homemade veggie soup and some warm crusty rolls today and from the start~it was a DISASTER! She flatly REFUSES to remove her shoes when she enters my house and MY OCD thought of her bringing in the dirt of the world into my home makes me want to peel my skin off with my new SHARP vegetable peeler. This thought is nothing new~I've felt like this for ages when I am stressed...especially when I am stressed and she knows it. I'm super stressed over finances(I can't find ANYBODY who SERIOUSLY wants to work as a PSO for me); christmas and how much I dislike the GREED of the season(and the fact that I can't buy my kids everything I would like to~what a contridiction!), trying to get "mother" to take her anti-anxiety meds and see a shrink instead of her bizarre behaviour & the fact that this will be my first christmas without Saki :(

I have stressed to the point where I have gotten a very sore throat,muscle aches & a headache.

It's all about her 24 hrs a day~everyday.

I hate when people or family say to me

"But she's HUMAN Trish. How can you say or do that?"

How can I do that? How can I look at her and calmly call her a cunt? How can I be so cold when I have to attend to her? Because I've had to deal with this all of my life- the emotional & physical abuse & neglect by her and others towards me as a child, her lying, hysterics, lack of hygiene,reason and all common sense. And besides~I don't see ANYONE else here to help her when she needs medical help, basic shopping/bill paying OR talk her into coming in the house when she is wound up and walking the damn streets at 4 in the morning shreiking that she can't breathe or take it or is afraid of the dark or the house is too haunted!!!

My "mother" has never been there for me~ever. No confiding-No crying to-no built in allie like your mother should be. She never stood up for me, has betrayed me with private things I have told her (and told others) & thrown them in my face~she has intentionally embarassed & humilitated me for her sick amusement in front of people (Think Sybil's mother with the chocolate chip cookie here people!), never told me about things she should have like my period & sex or how to manage money or a cheking account. She never helped financially with clothes when I was a teenager or knew what I took in school, didn't help me with college (actually refused to let me go at 17), never came to my graduation from college or even my wedding when I married John. Instead she threw a FIT that I was getting married and did everything to ruin it including calling my MIL a slut.

It's funny~she still hits me up for cash though or her latest foray~phishing me for food~as in "oh-I-am-so-hungry-but-I-have-no-food-in-the-house-waaaa-waaa-waaa" or the ol' slip items in my shopping cart at Target or Wegman's when I am distracted. I always go "Here you are" and hand them to her and make her go ahead of me in line.
Her reaction? She will check out with such items then look at me to pay for them saying she "forgot her wallet" or just merely leaving the items & walking out FAST when the cashier tells her the total~making the cashier give me a WTF look!

My favorite stunt is when she tells EVERYONE in the store, tearfully, that she "can't find her daughter in the whole store and she knows that something HORRIBLE has happened"~ like I've been kidnapped or fallen ill in a remote area of the store where my skeleton would be recoved months later. I can always tell when this one is performed because I will find her surrounded by her audience of caring store staff comforting her with free coffee, pasteries, soup or some other food item.

It never changes! Over the years this stunt has been performed with doctors offices, hospitals, police, church people, teachers, friends & their parents, neighbors and down right strangers! Hell! I remember one summer when I was around 7~her driving us out to "see your cousins in Springville". We lived in Lancaster and somehow she made it into a TWO HOUR TRIP~stoppping in a random suburban neighborhood~picking out a house "oooh look those people are having a b-b-q!"~and telling them we were lost & insinuated that I was very, very sick with some uncurable sickness of the month and had only wanted the happiness out of visiting my cousins for what may be my last time! Of course the "chosen" family would invite us in, feed us, give us money to help us and show us the correct directions to our awaiting family! It was unbelievable but not as unbelievable as the look on our family's face when we finally arrrive: "OH SHIT! WHY IS JOSEPHINE HERE AND WHO TOLD HER WHERE WE LIVE!!!!"

I swear this is why I have social anxiety.

I also swear~if I didn't write this shit down here & turn it into something humourous~I'd take a long, hot bath with a sharp straightrazor.

Go to urbandictionary.com and type in your answer to each question in the search box, then write the FIRST definition it gives you.

1) Your Name: Trisha
Irish origin- Female version of Patrick.
Trisha means strength, nobility, beauty
Diminutive of Patricia: Noble. St. Patricia was a 7th century patron saint of Naples.
Also~
One fine, sexy mama. She is often adored by all and is a candidate for ruling the world.
Your girlfriend is such a Trisha. I almost came in my pants when I saw her.

Your Age:45

.45 Caliber cartridge. Sometimes used to refer to the firearms that fire such cartridges.
11.4mm in diameter, the average .45 caliber bullet weighs half an ounce

If I don't get ya money yo 'gone catch a foty-five!

3) One of Your Friends: Amy

A name linked to Biblical numbers in many ways:
1+13+25 = 39, 3+9 = 12
By digit sum,
1+4+7 = 12

she is one fine mean looking girl. Though she is normally horny and likes to bash people during sex.
"how was the girl last night?"
"she was good a bit of an amy though"
"i can tell from the bruises"

4)What You Should Be Doing: Working
A term to describe the tedious and boring indentured servitude that most people are forced to endure to get money. Generally, not a pleasant experience.

5) Your favorite Colour: Moroccan Red
moroccan red isn't defined yet.

Of course not.

6) Your Birthplace: Buffalo
drinking city with a football problem. Buffalo is known for the overwhelming number of bars per square mile, the ever changing weather conditions, and it's diehard football and hockey fans who always believe that "this season this will be the season we go all the way"! It might have it's political havoc, an incredibly high crime rate, and a failing economy, but Buffalonians have an unexplainable bond to each other and the city. Buffalo is also widely recognized for being the biggest small town in America. Everyone knows everyone who knows everyone. This city may have it's faults but it is a great place to be during any holiday(s).

Drunk driving is a sport in Buffalo.

7)last person You Talked To: Tony (in Boston)

Someone who is very attractive, a real go getter. Always has many friends that are girls. Very funny, and most commonly is a hot Italian with a huge penis.

Hehe...VERY true!

8) Last Thing You Had To Drink: Water
The essence of life.
It is the major element in human body (65%)

An abundant liquid that is very addicting. Everyone, including Chuck Norris, need this type of particular chemical in them, daily. Water is consist of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. It's very addicting compare to other drinks. Alcohol comes in second against the legendary water. No one can survive without this common "chemical." Water is an essential part of life. Our body is made up of 98% of this addicting chemical. Water can be either sell legally or illegally.

9) Your Nickname: Gish

Debut album of the Smashing Pumpkins. Not as highly noted as masterpieces Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, but still, excellent. Highlights include Tristessa, Rhinoceros, and Crush. Discover this.

What the fuck is that on the back of the Gish cover??

It's a sacred heart.

Also~Created in 2004 by Chronic Logic software, Gish has become one of the most prominent independent games of it's time. It's innovative gameplay is thanks to expert programming Alex Austin and the creative talent of artist Edmund McMillen.

Your result for What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test...

Conscientious, Fulfilled, and Spiritual

Take What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test at HelloQuizzy

So it's official~CERN made two revolutions with their LHC/Large Hedron Collider today. Now we will wait and see if any Half Life head crab~like creatures or things that bumped around and ate people in The Mist will come out of now opened portals.

Yeah. Portals.

Anyways...I GOT 6 INCHES OF MY HAIR CUT OFF.

I'm ok. Really.

No, not really. I cried like a baby.

It needed it though~the ends were very dry from summer, bleaching and dyeing. I feel 20 lbs. lighter though. It's also more comfortable when I sit down~not pulling and tugging on my hair and all and it was nice to be able to sleep without making a loose braid.

I also dyed it with a nourishing semi-permanent dark auburn that neutralized my too dark base colour and got rid of my self-destructing absurd pink/purple streaks. It has turned into a very healthy/glossy 'natural' chestnut brown colour with Deadly Nightshade-like purple where the streaks were.

I guess it will be ok since the earth is going to get sucked into a black hole anyhow.

I actually WANT to watch something NEW on tv.

This show is INCREDIBLE. I mean Ron Perlman,DREA DE MATEO (I LOVELOVELOVE her!!!!), Katey Sagal AND FREAKIN' MITCH PILEGGI (SKINNER!!!!!!)all rolled into one, explosive show about bikers!!!!

You have got to see it!!!!

Yes.

Good Things do happen in TrishWorld.

Sev turned 18 on August 20th and is a together young woman who is kind, compassionate and unconditionally loves me quirks, anxiety, broken dolly parts and all~I am very blessed.

I won a little contest from VegNews' (MY FAVORITE MAG!!!) blogspot~
"CAFE VEGNEWS"

You can read it right here!
http://cafevegnews.blogspot.com/2008/08/ridiculously-good-roasted-vegetables.html

I won a little can of something equally as horrifying...

and something really nice (and signed by the author)....

THANKS VEGNEWS!!!

At Midnight~my beloved companion, Saki Tsu Spurck, died peacefully in my arms. Something inside me told me that "today was the day".

We woke up and did our usual routine but today she was a little unsteady on her legs~ a little slower than usual~and couldn't make it up the three stairs leading to my kitchen door. I had to pick her up and carry her into the kitchen where I let her lay on the cool floor infront of her water and food dishes. I gave her both by my hands, kissed her and went off to do errands.

When I arrived home~she was still there but resting comfortably on her side. An hour later she howled to let me know she had an accident on the floor and I called my son to come over and help me clean her and move her onto her big pillow.

We carefully slid her onto her pillow and moved her into the dining room so she could be in the a/c and in her favorite spot to sleep. DJ got me a bucket filled with warm water and a few squirts of Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Soap. I carefully washed her clean with a washcloth and brushed her till she looked beautiful~confirming that her departure was soon since she didn't do her usual grooming protest. My sweet girl DETESTED being brushed and used to run and hide under my bed every time I would pull her brushes out!

Saki's breathing becamed laboured around 11:30~it sounded and looked like hiccuping and I lay down with my arms around her. Her sides starting to heave and I knelt by her and called upon all my loved one's who have passed by name~calling out to them to please come and take her swiftly and peacefully.

My prayers were answered and she drew her last breath and died with me entwined with her. It was so quiet and the church bells and my neighbors' "Big Ben Clock" tolled in the midnight hour and I stayed with her for some time until I called my daughter, my mother & my friend, Bone, over to say their goodbyes.

We had a little pagan wake for her and she will be burried later today in the rain.

I don't know what I will do from here~ two weeks shy of 15 yrs. ago~she was a gift from my late father-in-law, James Spurck, who knew I was a "girl in need of a dog."


No truer words were spoken.

I know I have told you all about Jeff~if you don't really know me in RT~ I dated him for five minutes back in '03 but we ended up as tribe & lived together for around 3 yrs and how we remain "friends" to this day. Well yesterday, Monday, Jeff od'd in front of my house on heroin.

He was "dead" when Sev & I found him in his truck. His lips were purple blue...nails were blue and he was greyish all over. He was cold to the touch.

He had no pulse, heartbeat or breath & I started chest compressions to see if I could start his blood circulating~ while Sev called 911 on her phone. His last breath came out from deep within his diaphragm & made a pufflike noise so I decided to do mouth-to-mouth. His jaw was stiff already & I had to wedge my fingers in his mouth to breath into him and I got a pulse after about a minute. It took me a moment to bring my lips upon his corpse lips. It was quite odd. His eyes were all rolled back into his head with no movement. Just lights out~ya know????

It was as if I was in another dimention~everything was monochromatic and time was s-l-o-w and the quite was deafning. There was a certain beauty to death...a seductive intoxicating quality. I can't quite explain it all or even understand it now. When the first emt (who lives on my street) & cop arrived it was like a vacume seal was broken & all this air and colour & sound rushed back in to where I was & we three pulled him out of his Pathfinder to jointly continue CPR. In seconds~ambulances, emts, cops & firefighters were surrounding us.

The emts cut his shirt off him, stuck in some IV lines, attached sensors & gave him the paddles & he did not respond. Then they brought out some narcan~bagged him with breathing tubes and pumped it into his chest. I swear it was just like Pulp Fiction or Trainspotting. His body sat up & all the colour came back to him and he made this "haaaaaaa" sound & opened his eyes wide~like he had been revived from drowning. He slipped back to unconsciousness in less than a minute but at least he wasn't dead anymore It was so fucked up.

At ECMC they worked on him & revived him and they don't know the extent of the damage caused by depletion of oxygen from his brain yet but it's estimated he was "dead" for 7 minutes.
Sev, me and his parents were all with him and he tried to talk to us but he is very out of it. I don't know what will happen now.

I am just glad he had the good sense to drive over to my house from wherever he scored his boogie and that Sev's boyfriend, Christian, dropped her off when he did. If Sev's cat Louis didn't INSIST she come attend to him atop his "crows nest"on an 8 ft kitty condo by the window & she didn't look out & notice his truck & something amiss & didn't walk over to his truck and knock on his window with DJ to see what was up~we would have NEVER known. I had an oral surgery gone wrong last Monday & I have been in agony and in the house locked up in my room listening to books on cd. I would have never known he was here & he would be gone....

It was so surreal..like a dream in slow motion. I still can't believe this actually happened.

...that my kid (as well as myself) has to learn that her father is engaged by reading some trifle blurb on the inter webz

I mean~really~she's going to be 18 in less than a month! He couldn't have CALLED HER?????